Let’s face it. For most of us, keeping a New Year’s resolution is as likely as the Miami Dolphins finally finding Dan Marino’s successor in the draft.
And some locals should look back on the past year with shameful regret.
They could use a fresh start, so Banana Republican came up with some ideas to help them wipe the slate clean in 2012:
The WQAM shock jock should attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings. The Brooklyn native was reportedly busted for illegally plugging sponsors on-air because he lost so much cash gambling.
The Miami commissioner should sign up for anger management classes. Days before his re-election this fall, the Coconut Grove politico allegedly tackled and threatened to kill a propane-huffing antagonist who was defacing his campaign signs around town.
North Miami’s mayor should resign from office. Driving around in a Porsche someone else paid for, handing out police badges to friends who aren’t cops, and steering lucrative city contracts and grants to his pals are just some of the scandals dogging the city’s leader.
To start his year right, Miami’s mayor should make the Marlins pay the $2 million in annual property taxes they’re dodging on their new stadium’s garages, instead of fighting a bitter, brutal battle with his police chief and landing himself under investigation for accepting illegal contributions.
The former chief of staff at the Miami Veterans Affairs Medical Center should relinquish his license to practice medicine. An investigation found his hospital had failed to promptly notify 2,500 local veterans whose colonoscopies had been performed with improperly cleaned equipment. Five veterans later tested positive for HIV, and another nine were diagnosed with hepatitis.
The University of Miami prez should run background checks on all of her new boosters. If there was one searing image from the Nevin Shapiro scandal that rocked the Hurricanes, it was the photo of Shalala grinning like Gollum as she stared at a $50,000 check from the since convicted Ponzi schemer.
The former Krop Senior High coach should stay retired from high school basketball. Rodriguez was forced out after Krop was busted and subsequently disqualified from tournament play for using ineligible players.
To honor the new year, this disgraced ex-lawyer should work pro bono for the public defender’s office. In April, the Florida Supreme Court suspended Adorno’s law license for three years for orchestrating an unlawful $7 million settlement with Miami over its controversial fire fee.
The U.S. congressman should publicly disclose all his earnings and bank statements. He’s been dogged by criminal investigations into his personal and campaign finances since he was elected in November of last year.
The Miami Dolphins wide receiver should find a good therapist. Before the season began, Marshall was nearly stabbed to death by his wife and admitted to sports beat reporters that he has multiple personalities. He also sucked on the field, grabbing only five touchdown passes in a forgettable season.
Source: Miami New Times